i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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