I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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