its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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