Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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