I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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