dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
