i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
