A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
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She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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