At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize