Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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