I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
