i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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