I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
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