Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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