Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
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He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
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I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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