I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
