all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
