all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
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Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
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The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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