she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
