So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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