I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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