how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
