I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
