Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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