Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
