i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So vagazzling was a success
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
