they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
