their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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