Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
