No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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