We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
