life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
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Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
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You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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