Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
