no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
do nipples grow back?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
