my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
