It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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