Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
