Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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