Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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