pop tarts are not kleenex
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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