How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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