How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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