Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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