Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
