ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just forgot I was standing up.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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