saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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