Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
