I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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