First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
