I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
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