She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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