it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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