My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
