it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
