I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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