pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
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Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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