so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my phone needs a breathalizer
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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