I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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